I Heart Zack Morris

Matt and I went out on a date the other night for the first time in...well, I can't remember.

So we went flying down the interstate in our little green volkswagen and didn't stop until we reached the bright lights of Waxahachie, our gift card to the Olive Garden burning a hole in Matt's pocket. After dinner, we decided to do a bit of shopping. At Hastings, we found the perfect thing to fulfill a newly created 15 dollar line-item in our monthly budget: pointless entertainment.

There it was, hidden among a jumble of titles on the TV series aisle. I tried to turn away, but the siren song drew me back, and before you knew it, we were plunking down thirteen bucks for seasons 1 and 2 of Saved By The Bell.

Now it's Saturday night, the kids are all asleep, and we have just suffered through the first disc of season 1. The kids are deciding (at fifteen years of age) what they will be when they grow up, and Slater decides to quit wrestling, which means Zack's in hot water, since if Slater loses the big match against Valley, Zack will be forced to hand over a dirt bike he lied about owning. Oh, the angst.

This show was always terrible. I think, even when we were all watching it (don't lie to me--if you are between 25 and 35 years old, you know were in on this) as 13 year olds, we knew exactly how bad it was. I mean, it's entirely possible that all of the dialogue was written by the same people who put the jokes on the wrappers of laffy taffy (i.e. Screech appears at the class reunion in a spaceman suit. "How's space?" Mr. Belding asks. "Far out," Screech replies. "Have a Mars bar." cue laugh track). But it's like squirt cheese. You know it's not good for you...it's barely edible...but you can't stop making little designs with it on crackers and stuffing your face. That's why I'm sitting here, ignoring all of the other things I should be doing, and watching everyone at Bayside freak out because it looks like Kelly is actually falling for Screech (yeah, it's a new episode now).

Still, you can't help but smile when you witness Zack produce a cellular phone the size of a shoe box, complete with a giant antannae. Or the foofy gel hair. Or Slater's stonewashed jeans.

Will things work out between Zack and Kelly? How about Zack and Stacy Carosi, the girl from the beach club? How about Zack and Tori, the scary biker girl who tried and failed to take Kelly's place after she left the show? Zack and the homeless girl from the mall? Zack and the female wrestler? How about Zack and Lisa? That one was especially wrong.

And let's not forget the deep social issues probed by the writers of SBTB. An oil spill, right there on campus, caused by all the dirty capitalists who drilled for oil on the football field. Caffeine pill addiction. Drunk driving. The Jessie Spano model of modern feminism. Where would we be without our Bayside High-sponsored moral compass?

Confession: I was home from college when they showed the big two-hour Las Vegas special (which originally aired when I was still in high school, but I missed it), and Zack and Kelly finally got married. I cried so hard, you would have thought she was my sister or something. Ridiculous.

I just watched Slater, Jessie, and Kelly's amazing "Buddy Band" dance. I can't believe Mario Lopez didn't win Dancing with the Stars.

How about you? What's your favorite SBTB moment?